It’s Hard to Know What to Do Sometimes

Right now I’m sitting up in the middle of the night. I should be getting ready for bed, maybe reading a book and trying to clear my head. I definitely shouldn’t be still looking at social media on my laptop in my living room with the only sounds the ticking of a clock, the typing of these keys, and the tinnitus in my left ear.

I woke up this morning to yet another person getting executed by federal agents in the twin cities. The fact that the previous sentence included the word “another” is horrifying, and I literally started my day by seeing the video of his execution feed to me involuntarily on TikTok. They pinned him to the ground and shot him.

And folks immediately went to social media to defend the border patrol officers who did this — arguing that he had a gun. Never mind that the gun was holstered and he had a permit. Never mind that these are literally the same people who talk about the second amendment like it’s a holy text. And I don’t know if these are real people, or if they’re bots or Russian trolls. It just… it’s just so frustrating to think that anyone would defend this.

This is tyranny. This is fascism. We can see it with our eyes. We are watching it live.

And the worst part? The worst part is a lot of us saw it coming. There are days where I feel like Cassandra, and I keep wondering when enough will finally be enough. A little over nine years ago I literally ended a friendship because someone told me I was being “cringe” in the kinds of stuff I was worried about happening. It’s one of those things where I really fucking wish I’d been wrong.

But also fuck that guy still.

I don’t want you to think I’m without hope or without fight. I’m not a doomer and I’ll never be one. People who are strong don’t do the awful things that are happening right now. If there was no chance of us winning, they wouldn’t be doing any of this to begin with. But just because I think that a storm can be weathered, doesn’t mean the storm doesn’t fucking suck.

Jeffrey Pretti was a 37 year old ICU nurse. He did not threaten federal agents, and they attacked and executed him without cause. The government is lying about the incident, and I know this because I have seen it with my own eyes.

I wish I hadn’t.

I wish there’d been nothing to see.

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