Current Post On Trae’s Blog:
So it was literally more than twenty years ago that I first put one of my dumbest creations on the internet: The Steven Seagal Movie Generator.
Like I seriously publicly launched that dumb thing back in 2004, and for those of you who were unaware, it assembles a title, cast and plot of a fake Steven Seagal movie from elements of his (real) bad films.
I honestly got the idea from a former-friend, who in high school wrote a comedic piece about how you could mash up the titles of Seagal films in the weird underground "newspaper" that got handed out for a few years. But I took it a few steps further, and made a whole thing.
Mostly it just sat there though, a thing I made once and never went back to. I followed it up with the Sci-Fi Channel Movie Generator (later retitled the Syfy Movie Generator) in 2008. I spent more time on that one, doing a later design update that made the "Syfy" movies show up on a fake DVD back cover.
But the Steven Seagal generator just sort of sat there, untouched.
And Steven Seagal kept making (terrible) movies with (predictable) titles. Like a lot. But the generator still only spat out movies culled from the nineties and early 2000s, ignoring all of his new stuff. There was a whole library of awful movies that just weren't in there, and it made the generator feel less relevant.
So, uh, I went and did something about that today.
First off, I redesigned the page. Now it looks like the back of a VHS tape box. Then I loaded the elements of about twenty-five additional films into the generator. And that was harder than I thought it would be, since some of the films are so obscure that they're not well documented. I literally had to do some deep research to figure out a lot of the basic plot details that are now in the generator.
But I did it.
And it's done.
And the generator is now fully loaded.
It's still useless and dumb, though.
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I like that mode that Max is in.
I wouldn’t call it a mode, so much as Max’s own conflicting morals coming out in an untimely semi-witty comment.
I’d have probably called his ass out long ago – right after the whole fiasco with his last Ex. You don’t bring that shit to con meetings. I get super fucking picky about that shit. Leave your personal life butthurt at home.
Either way, Max is being indirect as shit, but hell that’s Max. While he’s going about this as a total shit, he’s not terribly in the wrong either. Veronica is being quite immature herself by enticing Max’s libido and at the same time ignoring anything about his feelings. And yet she actually DOES have feelings for him. What the honest to god hell. Then it takes jealousy of the fact that Max might -actually- be attractive to younger girls despite his age for Veronica to barely admit to herself that she probably doesn’t want to let this go this time around.
I just…buh. I have a headache.
Pretty much this.
They need to be stripped naked, locked into a velvet padded room with lots of pillows, chocolate fresh oysters and wine coolers, and just let the two go at it.
When they come out, have lots of fluids available, some EMTs and a justice of the peace. Because they will have lost massive amounts of bodily fluids, (one way or another) likely to need first aid for various abrasions and rug burns, (or to declare which killed which first) and a justice of the peace to either officially marry them or bury them.
I figure as much as those two fight and make up, they’re going to be married, if not by the next convention, then most likely during it, batleths at the ready in shredded Klingon leather armor. Both of them half naked.
Said it before… kinda wish I had his problems.